Vladimir Putin Facts

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It’s been a while since I’ve updated the Vladimir Putin Facts.  With the summer comes a fresh crop of facts that must be stated.

  • Vladimir Putin does not have “beer summits;” only vodka summits. (Thanks to Sean!)
  • Vladimir Putin loves horses.  Horses are given the choice to love Vladimir Putin or be turned into glue for the glory of Russia.
  • Michael Phelps has only lost a race to Vladimir Putin.  Vladimir Putin always wins.
  • Vladimir Putin has won the strategic beefcakes race for Russia.  Obama’s beach antics are mere blips on the radar compared to the might of Russia’s resident stud.
  • Vladimir Putin tames wild horses with a single glance.
  • Vladimir Putin is the first person to drive a party boat at supersonic speeds.  He achieved a magnificent velocity after politely asking the other guests on the boat to row a little faster.
  • There are no critics of Vladimir Putin.  There never were and there never will be.
  • Vladimir Putin has graciously permitted Dmitry Medvedev to believe he runs Russia.
  • All soldiers in Russia’s army volunteer to serve lest Vladimir Putin look unfavorably in their direction.
  • Vladimir Putin is a great lover of animals and green scientific research.  He enjoys feeding whales, petting dolphins, and observing sea life from the comfort of a submarine in his spare time.

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It’s amazing how many new Vladimir Putin facts create themselves through the news every week!  Does anyone have any others?

  • Vladimir Putin is like the energizer bunny.  He just keeps returning and returning and returning to power.
  • Vladimir Putin has strong and vigorous relationships with all of Russia’s most beautiful and talented gymnasts.
  • Vladimir Putin would be James Bond’s greatest super villain ever.  So great, in fact, that the Bond franchise will not discuss the deal for fears of James Bond being killed outright within 20 seconds of the movie’s opening sequence.
  • Vladimir Putin doesn’t speak with his fists.  He speaks with his missiles.
  • Vladimir Putin will never consider buying back Alaska unless Sarah Palin comes as part of the sale.
  • Russia’s icebreaker fleet comes equipped with stripper poles for the exclusive entertainment of Vladimir Putin when he goes on vacation to the ice fields.
  • Twenty brave and valiant Russian submariners were killed when Vladimir Putin passed gas on a tour of a nuclear submarine.  Vladimir Putin has since harnessed his very occasional flatulence in a weaponized form.
  • Vladimir Putin will not give back the islands Russia took from Japan at the end of World War II until Japan delivers a sushi gift basket that is equal in size to the landmass of the islands.  Vladimir Putin loves sushi as much as he loves those islands.
  • Vladimir Putin has mastered Blue Steel, Le Tigre, Ferrari, and Magnum.
  • Vladimir Putin writes himself into daytime Russian television to the delight of the entire country.

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This set of Vladimir Putin Facts has been a long time in the making.  It takes real effort to think of new, funny “facts” about such a legendary man.

  • Did you hear about when Chuck Norris fought Vladimir Putin?  That was when Chuck Norris learned to run so fast. (Thanks to Rick for this!)
  • Dick Cheney shoots people in the face to get what he wants.  Vladimir Putin looks at them disapprovingly for the same result.
  • Vladimir Putin’s sneezes consist of highly refined anthrax spores.  The last time Vladimir Putin sneezed, Russia violated the Biological Weapons Convention.
  • Vladimir Putin is a man of the people.  He receives feedback from an online comment form on his website.
  • The Russian Ruble will only float on the international market when Vladimir Putin gets board with having it float in his bathtub.
  • Vladimir Putin has many friends all around the world.  Even Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi, Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People’s Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, is Vladimir Putin’s friend.
  • Vladimir Putin never forgets his friends.  When they are in financial trouble, he donates his own money to help them get back on their feet, even when it requires tens of billions of Rubles.
  • Vladimir Putin will never allow state control of the Russian economy.  He prefers to control it himself.
  • Vladimir Putin is a lover of all animals.  He protects them in special reserves where only he is allowed to hunt.  The Far-Eastern Leopards are the latest animals to capture Vladimir Putin’s hunting fancy.
  • Russia has no submarine fleet.  Vladimir Putin enjoys breath-hold diving and occasionally carries ICBM’s and torpedoes on his back underwater for added exercise.  Vladimir Putin can hold his breath underwater for many months at a time.

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