It’s been a while since I’ve updated the Vladimir Putin Facts. With the summer comes a fresh crop of facts that must be stated.
Vladimir Putin does not have “beer summits;” only vodka summits. (Thanks to Sean!)
Vladimir Putin loves horses. Horses are given the choice to love Vladimir Putin or be turned into glue for the glory of Russia.
Michael Phelps has only lost a race to Vladimir Putin. Vladimir Putin always wins.
Vladimir Putin has won the strategic beefcakes race for Russia. Obama’s beach antics are mere blips on the radar compared to the might of Russia’s resident stud.
Vladimir Putin tames wild horses with a single glance.
Vladimir Putin is the first person to drive a party boat at supersonic speeds. He achieved a magnificent velocity after politely asking the other guests on the boat to row a little faster.
There are no critics of Vladimir Putin. There never were and there never will be.
All soldiers in Russia’s army volunteer to serve lest Vladimir Putin look unfavorably in their direction.
Vladimir Putin is a great lover of animals and green scientific research. He enjoys feeding whales, petting dolphins, and observing sea life from the comfort of a submarine in his spare time.
Vladimir Putin would be James Bond’s greatest super villain ever. So great, in fact, that the Bond franchise will not discuss the deal for fears of James Bond being killed outright within 20 seconds of the movie’s opening sequence.
Vladimir Putin will never consider buying back Alaska unless Sarah Palin comes as part of the sale.
Russia’s icebreaker fleet comes equipped with stripper poles for the exclusive entertainment of Vladimir Putin when he goes on vacation to the ice fields.
Twenty brave and valiant Russian submariners were killed when Vladimir Putin passed gas on a tour of a nuclear submarine. Vladimir Putin has since harnessed his very occasional flatulence in a weaponized form.
Vladimir Putin will not give back the islands Russia took from Japan at the end of World War II until Japan delivers a sushi gift basket that is equal in size to the landmass of the islands. Vladimir Putin loves sushi as much as he loves those islands.
This set of Vladimir Putin Facts has been a long time in the making. It takes real effort to think of new, funny “facts” about such a legendary man.
Did you hear about when Chuck Norris fought Vladimir Putin? That was when Chuck Norris learned to run so fast. (Thanks to Rick for this!)
Dick Cheney shoots people in the face to get what he wants. Vladimir Putin looks at them disapprovingly for the same result.
Vladimir Putin’s sneezes consist of highly refined anthrax spores. The last time Vladimir Putin sneezed, Russia violated the Biological Weapons Convention.
Vladimir Putin is a man of the people. He receives feedback from an online comment form on his website.
Vladimir Putin has many friends all around the world. Even Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi, Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People’s Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, is Vladimir Putin’s friend.
Vladimir Putin never forgets his friends. When they are in financial trouble, he donates his own money to help them get back on their feet, even when it requires tens of billions of Rubles.
Vladimir Putin is a lover of all animals. He protects them in special reserves where only he is allowed to hunt. The Far-Eastern Leopards are the latest animals to capture Vladimir Putin’s hunting fancy.
Russia has no submarine fleet. Vladimir Putin enjoys breath-hold diving and occasionally carries ICBM’s and torpedoes on his back underwater for added exercise. Vladimir Putin can hold his breath underwater for many months at a time.
Vladimir Putin invented X-Rays when he invented Scotch Tape. (Thanks to Brent for reminding me of this story!)
This evening, Boing Boing, the directory of wonderful things that it is, posted a link to a purportedly Russian music video paying tribute to Sarah Palin. No doubt, Vladimir Putin had a hand in its production.
This whole Vladimir Putin Facts thing might be getting a bit out of hand. My website is now #3 and #4 on Google when searching for “Vladimir Putin Facts.” I hope people realize that my jokes are meant in good fun and that I respect and admire Vladimir Putin. There is absolutely no need, I repeat, ABSOLUTELY NO NEED, to assassinate me for posting these “facts.”
Vladimir Putin doesn’t need Viagra. His penis is tipped with a nuclear MIRV. (Thanks to Sean for help on this one!)
The world economy is based on a game of Monopoly Vladimir Putin once played as a boy.
Vladimir Putin invented erectile dysfunction drugs for the poor Russian men who are not yet equipped with an ICBM in place of a penis, as he Vladimir Putin is.
Vladimir Putin: Multi-stage for her pleasure. (Thanks to Sean for this one!)
Vladimir Putin is the basis for the body image of The Hulk. The green tint and bad hair were added to attempt to obscure the inspiration.
Vladimir Putin solves diplomatic crises with a single icy stare. If that doesn’t work due to the opposing world leader being blind, he lets his fists do the talking.
Vladimir Putin has never killed a single person. He has, however, willed several dead.
Vladimir Putin fishes for whales with the unmatched nuclear weapons he finds in his sock drawer.
Vladimir Putin invented Russian Democracy.
On a recent State trip to Thailand, Vladimir Putin’s mere presence caused 10,000 Thai prostitutes to become pregnant. This number includes 3000 male prostitutes. Vladimir Putin is the most fertile man to have walked the planet.
Vladimir Putin IS the Russian stock market. The media reports of his recent decline are completely false. No reporter who mentioned the story can be found to refute their claims.
Once Vladimir Putin was in the KGB. There is no more KGB. There is now only Vladimir Putin.
Chuck Norris impersonates Vladimir Putin — poorly.
A baby Siberian Tiger sleeps at Vladimir Putin’s feet to show the loyalty of the animal kingdom to Russia
VIP stands for Vladimir “the Impressive” Putin. All who get the VIP treatment know how impressive Vladimir Putin is.
Vladimir Putin bathes in endangered Aral Sea Caviar twice per day. Afterward he returns the eggs to the sturgeon. Vladimir Putin’s baths are contributing to the recovery of the species.
Vladimir Putin has no enemies. No one is that stupid.
Vladimir Putin found the last digit of Pi. Stuck to the bottom of his shoe.
Vladimir Putin needs no codes to launch Russia’s nuclear missile arsenal. He can launch them all with a toy slingshot.
Once Vladimir Putin visited New York City. The stock market jumped 5000 points over the fear of what Vladimir Putin would do if the market didn’t jump.
Vladimir Putin enjoys catching a few rays — on the sun-facing side of Mercury.
There is no intelligent life beyond our solar system because Vladimir Putin found it all disagreeable.
My first two posts were picked up on the English-language portion of a Russian website called Putin.ru. It looks like they’re gone now (the site appears to only keeps the latest 10 or so blog posts containing Putin on its page).
Vlad the Impaler takes on a whole new meaning in the context of Vladimir Putin. Many tens of thousands of women line up outside the Kremlin every day hoping for the chance to be “impaled” by Vladimir Putin. (Thanks to Erika for that one!)
Russia needs no missile defense system. Vladimir Putin can shoot down all incoming threats with the laser beams that emanate from his eyes.
Vladimir Putin invented himself. He went back in time using his time machine and genetically engineered his being. (Thanks to Sean for that one!)
Locks of Vladimir Putin’s hair power all nuclear reactors in Russia.
The last time Vladimir Putin got sick, the dinosaurs went extinct.
Vladimir Putin personally designs everything in Russia. If the quality of the design isn’t good, Vladimir Putin finds who is responsible for changing his perfect design. That person and all of their family is never heard from again.
Vladimir Putin fights cave bears for relaxation.
Mammoths are frozen in the permafrost of Siberia because Vladimir Putin told them to be frozen there.
Oil is formed by Vladimir Putin pressing two trees and a dinosaur together.
Russia has no navy. It doesn’t need one. Vladimir Putin can swim.
Vladimir Putin was the first man in space. Ever modest, Vladimir Putin asked Yuri to take credit for the triumph.
More ideas keep rolling in! I can only hope that Vladimir Putin chooses not to assassinate me and everyone I have ever known. These facts are merely my homage to the man, the legend, the original blackbelt himself, Vlad.
Vladimir Putin invented the internet. He is modest so he let Al Gore claim credit.
Vladimir Putin can see Alaska from his back yard.
Sarah Palin wants America ready to attack Russia. Vladimir Putin is ready to wrestle with Sarah Palin in the Lincoln Bedroom.
The Aral Sea is 10% of its former size because Valimir Putin was thirsty.
There is no nuclear waste in Russia — only places where Vladimir Putin relieved himself.
The American television show known as Dexter that is produced by Showtime is loosely based upon a weekend Vladimir Putin spent in Miami on vacation. The main difference is that everyone knew it was Vladimir Putin.
Vladimir Putin can achieve greater than 100% heat to work conversion efficiency.
Vladimir Putin never needs an eraser. The dictionary changes for him.
The Russian stock market drops by 15% every time Vladimir Putin sneezes. It rises by 30% every time he takes his shirt off.
The only thing that Chuck Norris fears is Vladimir Putin.
After reading the latest story on Vladimir Putin’s latest manly endeavor, starring in an instructional Judo DVD, it occurs to me that he has now surpassed Chuck Norris in awesomeness. Long have Chuck Norris Facts circulated on the internet and in print media. Now it is time for Vladimir Putin Facts!
When Vladimir Putin plays chess, he wins against all opponents. Past, present and future.
Vladimir Putin doesn’t need money. His pecs are made out of solid gold.
Once, a country challenged Vladimir Putin’s supremacy at all things. No one remembers that country because everyone who did no longer exists.
Vladimir Putin saved a TV film crew from a Siberian Tiger because he was bored.
Vladimir Putin drinks a cup of Polonium-210 every morning for breakfast and can’t understand why his friends don’t like the taste.
Vladimir Putin has two daughters. If you ever think of them, you are already dead.
Russia has never tested a nuclear weapon. It was only Vladimir Putin exercising.
Vladimir Putin is Russia’s greatest genetic engineering triumph. All of the other genetically engineered supermen reside in a geosynchronous orbit after Vladimir Putin’s front kick delivered them there.
Vladimir Putin invented a time machine to travel back in time. In other news, Vladimir Putin invented Judo.
Have any other good Vladimir Putin facts I should add to the list?
I am currently driving a campervan through New Zealand. Prior to that, I was in Australia for three months. To see a run-down of my activities in Australia, check out my Australia 2010 page. It’s a bit out of date at the moment as internet is less than reliable this far away from civilization.
For those who have been commenting on posts (especially the PC800 related posts), my sincere apologies for not green-lighting your comments and responding to them! Rest assured that when I get back to a reliable internet connection, I will read each one and respond. If you have a question or comment that needs more immediate attention, please email me directly. My contact info is available under the appropriate page on this site.
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