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Vladimir Putin Facts Part VI

October 23, 2008 in Vladimir Putin Facts | No comments

This whole Vladimir Putin Facts thing might be getting a bit out of hand.  My website is now #3 and #4 on Google when searching for “Vladimir Putin Facts.”  I hope people realize that my jokes are meant in good fun and that I respect and admire Vladimir Putin.  There is absolutely no need, I repeat, ABSOLUTELY NO NEED, to assassinate me for posting these “facts.”

  • Vladimir Putin doesn’t need Viagra.  His penis is tipped with a nuclear MIRV. (Thanks to Sean for help on this one!)
  • The world economy is based on a game of Monopoly Vladimir Putin once played as a boy.
  • Vladimir Putin invented erectile dysfunction drugs for the poor Russian men who are not yet equipped with an ICBM in place of a penis, as he Vladimir Putin is.
  • Vladimir Putin: Multi-stage for her pleasure. (Thanks to Sean for this one!)
  • Vladimir Putin is the basis for the body image of The Hulk.  The green tint and bad hair were added to attempt to obscure the inspiration.
  • Vladimir Putin solves diplomatic crises with a single icy stare.  If that doesn’t work due to the opposing world leader being blind, he lets his fists do the talking.
  • Vladimir Putin has never killed a single person.  He has, however, willed several dead.
  • Vladimir Putin fishes for whales with the unmatched nuclear weapons he finds in his sock drawer.
  • Vladimir Putin invented Russian Democracy.
  • On a recent State trip to Thailand, Vladimir Putin’s mere presence caused 10,000 Thai prostitutes to become pregnant.  This number includes 3000 male prostitutes.  Vladimir Putin is the most fertile man to have walked the planet.

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Vladimir Putin Facts Part V

October 23, 2008 in Vladimir Putin Facts | No comments

  • Vladimir Putin writes, directs, produces, and stars in all childrens television shows in Russia.  All Russian children love Vladimir Putin.
  • Vladimir Putin can withstand a global financial meltdown.
  • Vladimir Putin is not afraid of Google.  Once, Vladimir Putin beat Google with his bare hands.
  • Vladimir Putin is every Italian gay male celebrity’s dream.  All of the straight celebrities will soon be made to follow suit.
  • Vladimir Putin’s dog invented the Russian GPS system.  Vladimir Putin was too busy hunting Siberian tigers to bother himself with inventing it.
  • Vladimir Putin sweats vodka.  It is sold under the trade name “Vladimir.”  (Thanks to Sean for this one!)
  • The trains run on time in Russia because of Vladimir Putin.
  • Vladimir Putin bathes in sweet Caspian crude oil.
  • Vladimir Putin IS the Russian stock market.  The media reports of his recent decline are completely false.  No reporter who mentioned the story can be found to refute their claims.
  • Once Vladimir Putin was in the KGB.  There is no more KGB.  There is now only Vladimir Putin.

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Vladimir Putin Facts Part 3

October 8, 2008 in Vladimir Putin Facts | No comments

My first two posts were picked up on the English-language portion of a Russian website called Putin.ru.  It looks like they’re gone now (the site appears to only keeps the latest 10 or so blog posts containing Putin on its page).

  • Vlad the Impaler takes on a whole new meaning in the context of Vladimir Putin.  Many tens of thousands of women line up outside the Kremlin every day hoping for the chance to be “impaled” by Vladimir Putin. (Thanks to Erika for that one!)
  • Russia needs no missile defense system.  Vladimir Putin can shoot down all incoming threats with the laser beams that emanate from his eyes.
  • Vladimir Putin invented himself. He went back in time using his time machine and genetically engineered his being. (Thanks to Sean for that one!)
  • Locks of Vladimir Putin’s hair power all nuclear reactors in Russia.
  • The last time Vladimir Putin got sick, the dinosaurs went extinct.
  • Vladimir Putin personally designs everything in Russia.  If the quality of the design isn’t good, Vladimir Putin finds who is responsible for changing his perfect design.  That person and all of their family is never heard from again.
  • Vladimir Putin fights cave bears for relaxation.
  • Mammoths are frozen in the permafrost of Siberia because Vladimir Putin told them to be frozen there.
  • Oil is formed by Vladimir Putin pressing two trees and a dinosaur together.
  • Russia has no navy.  It doesn’t need one.  Vladimir Putin can swim.
  • Vladimir Putin was the first man in space.  Ever modest, Vladimir Putin asked Yuri to take credit for the triumph.

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A run up and over Witham Hill to Walnut, a quick stop at the Co-Op and back again

September 26, 2008 in Exercise | No comments

Tonight, Samantha didn’t feel like going jogging, still being sore from the last two nights of exercise.  She stayed home to watch the first presidential debate.  My route took me up and over Witham Hill past the Witham Hill Oaks apartment complex where I lived with Rick F and Sean all those years ago.  The place still looks exactly the same.

Down on Walnut, I passed another runner going in the opposite direction.  He was doing the long grind up and over toward Harrison Boulevard.  Maybe in another few nights, I’ll go out that way again.  It’s been at least six months since the last time I had the time and motivation to do that route.

At the Co-Op, I stopped to buy some organic lemon juice to use in a soy sauce and lemon juice chicken dish that Samantha and I are going to cook tonight.  I managed to get in and out just before they were getting ready to shut down for the night.  Running back up Grant toward my house I reflected on the fact that I didn’t pass one group of drunken college students or even a house party.  Where are all of the beginning of the term parties these days, anyway?

In total I ran 4.4 miles.

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